You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
