i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
why is half of my head shaved?
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