Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
