dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
