I wish my penis had an off switch
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
