My liver just broke up with me...
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Randomize
