I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
