Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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