I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Randomize
