Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
