My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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