I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
