so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
When did angry sex become our thing?
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
