If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
We had to coat check the pizza.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Pants are for mortals
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
