There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
