he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
