So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
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