Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
