i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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