There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
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