I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
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