The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
