so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
This gyro tastes like lonliness
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
