A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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