How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
