awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
