hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
