Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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