thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
