so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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