Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Why did my mother make you get naked?
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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