I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
