i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
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