the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
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