first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
