She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
