yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Randomize
