i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
