I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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