There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
