You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
