Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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