I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
