So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
