my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
