I cannot find my penis.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
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