In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
