I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
she peed on how many people?
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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