Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
