I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
