I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
