Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
