Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
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