so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Is Oprah even human
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
